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roguem
Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, 'Sure.' About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.' So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited and says, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The hit man replies, 'Sure.' So Jack looks and says, 'YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!' This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, 'I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.' Jack responds, '$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.' The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, 'What are you waiting for? The hitman replies, 'Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!'
"My name is Fred Flintsone and I want to make your bed rock."
*Guy licks finger then dabs it on his and girl's shirt.* "How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?"
Nerdy pickup line: "Can you integrate my log?"
"Let God strike me down right now 'cause, baby, you are my worst sin!"
A woman is pregnant with triplets. She's walking down the street one night when a drive by shooting gets her three shots to the belly. She is rushed to the hospital where she is treated, and luckily all three of her babies are ok, BUT, they don't know where the three bullets went, so they are still inside. It doesn't matter though because she later gives birth, without any problems, to two daughters and a son, and no more thought is given to those three missing bullets untill 15 years later .
That night one of her daughters lets out a horrible scream from the bathroom! She runs down stairs screaming, "MOM MOM MOM!!" Her mom goes, "What is it dear?!"
The daughter says," I was going to the bathroom and I just peed out a bullet!" Her Mom is shocked for a moment and thinks to herself, "O, so thats where one of them went." She assures her daughter she'll be ok and they both go back to sleep.
The second night the second daughter lets out a horrible scream from the bathroom! She runs to her mom screamming, "I was going to the bathroom and I just peed out a bullet." Her mom thinks to herself, "so thats where the second one went." She assures her daughter she'll be ok and the both go back to sleep.
On the third night, her son lets out a horrible scream and runs to his mom yelling, "MOM MOM MOM!" His mom, seeing the pattern says, "You just peed a bullet, didn't you? You'll be ok." But her son goes, " No, thats not it at all!" The Mom, confused, asks "what it is then?" To which he answers, "I was masturbating and I shot the cat!"
What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
Krisp Kringle
On December 24, Adam's wife was known as?
Christmas Eve
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
Thanks, I'll never part with it !
A cat walking on the desert on December 25th is bound to get what?
Sandy claws
How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
Merry Christmas to Ewe!
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe .
Mom, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else !
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem .
Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary!
A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long standing.
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" "What
denomination?" the clerk asks. " O my God! Has it come to this?" says
the blonde. "Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, and 32 Baptist."
A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "Im required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate mostyour boss."
The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss house.
Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."
The man says, "Well, Ive always wanted to donate a kidney."